Monday, June 13, 2011


so, after careful thought and consideration, I have decided to go ahead and put myself out there. And by putting myself out there i mean im going to attempt (key word here) to some little things I have created out there in the universe. I guess there are always vulnerable moments in our lives. Usually we walk into them willingly in the hopes that we receive a warm response but generally, the response could go either way. It goes back to the basic human instinct of being accepted and enjoyed by our peers. Haha, its not like i haven't been one little vulnerable ball of emotion lately, so hey why not? So i have some wonderful ideas that I plan on putting on etsy followed by the intentions of being at artwalk in riverside in august. I am hoping for the best all around, and if anything, i hope to walk away from this feeling like i came, I saw, and I may or may not have conquered. haha. I will be updating on this rather large endeavor but my etsy should be launching in about a month :0)

Saturday, June 4, 2011


well its been a few days and although the notes application on my phone is chock full of interesting topics id love to blog about I kind of just feel like writing about unemployment. Hmm lets see here, these are my thoughts just streaming. Live unadulterated and unfiltered. enjoy. So, its been about five months now that I have been unemployed. For those of you who know me, im sure you can understand what an incredible shock this has been. The first couple of months, I stressed myself out attempting to make myself as productive as possible, filling my schedule with many volunteer opportunities and buried myself in deep cleaning basically everyday. I guess you could say im a workaholic. But, its not like thats a bad thing right? Well, here I am receiving unemployment benefits...i know *gasp* right? needless to say, I am every bit as uncomfortable as you, my beautiful followers, may be. Theres something about receiving free money that can be a bit unsettling for many of us. The joke between my close friends is, the only the things im allowed to buy with my government assistance is: drugs, prostitutes, alcohol, and cigarettes. Well, I have one of those down. Cigarettes, and lots of coffee haha. oh and a recent purchase of a fossil bag. But, its fossil, and fucking amazing. So no one is allowed to judge me on that. Actually, who am I to say what you can and cannot do. Judge me all you want but kindly keep it to yourself, im too vulnerable to accept your judging views. haha. not really. And now im going to receive all kinds of hate mail from my hmmm.....lets see here, five followers. hahahaha. So, what I have feared has actually become a reality. I have become used to being unemployed. Sigh, i know, it disgusts me too. But lets be honest here, who wouldnt love to wake up at ten everyday, take a nice walk around mount rubidoux, and then have a nice long study session at starbucks? I know that everyone in my class would trade me positions any day. Im sure the bright eyed and bushy tailed appearance does seem more desirable rather than the I just worked a full eight hours on my feet and now I get to stand here for another five hours rolling perm rod after perm rod. I feel for my fellow classmates. I hate seeing my beloved deanne soooo tired everyday. I guess the best way to describe my emotions would be to say I feel guilty. Completely, and utterly guilty. Heres my thought process: when you reach a certain age, you are expected to maintain your lifestyle and interests independently. Asking your mom for help with groceries is just no longer cute. I think thats the hardest thing for me is asking for help. And lots of help too. Help paying for my car, help paying for my car repairs, help with my insurance. help. just help. But i shouldnt have to ask for help. I shouldnt have allowed myself to be put in this situation. Now, its not as if I havnt been searching for a job. I have filled out several applications. Selfishly, I guess. Id rather work at a little coffee shop than walmart. But with this economy and the current state of our state (haha), Im certainly not in the position to be snotty about where my stability will be coming from. Although, I am sort of hoping for a job that will feel less like work and more like enjoyment so I wont have to feel so bogged down with life while Im going to school five days a week. The time is now for me to find a job and leave my "retired" lifestyle behind. I would also like to say that having a good work ethic is something ive always prided myself on. But im an all or nothing kind of girl. I guess im fearful I wont be able to sustain the relationships in my life if I get too busy. I guess well see. btw sent out like a million applications so fingers crossed that I get something from it. and I will update :0)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

one in the morning thoughts

sometimes i look back on the girl i used to be. Sometimes, i look back on the person i was. Sometimes, i envy that girl and wonder where she went along this path of life. Im here, Im alive, I breath and speak as I did. But, is it the same? Is the passion still there? August 29th 2008, I packed my little car full of my life. Said good bye to everything I knew and looked forward. Onwards and upwards to my new life. I had passion and affections towards everything. You know what though, I was naive and simple. with always the best of heart and compassion towards the world and all that inhabit her. Ive been here in wonderful riverside for almost three years now and i sit back and think about how different i am. Yes, of course, people change. Its really just another reality of life i guess. But i am now fearful that I have lost too much of myself in this cold and shallow world. Nothing against southern california but what people say is true: if you dont build a thicker skin, you'll never survive. Once never to be the first to speak and always the first to listen for hours with a sympathetic ear, I find myself quickly voicing my opinions and taking less time for the concern of my friends and loved ones. I find myself coming home from my day, irritated and frustrated more often than not. How did that happen? Where has my passion gone? and is it too late to find it?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros

ok so its been a few days since the concert and i have been meaning to get around to this blog but....yeah there are no excuses, its not like im busy or anything haha. Anyway, let's talk about the amazingness that was that incredible concert. Let us start from the beginning :0) So chelsea, Jenn, my lovely Brittani and I piled into chelseas wonderful silver bullet that allowed us a kind of direct line to l.a. kind of is the operative word. We may or may not have gotten lost. Of course, you have to enjoy the beauty of the pulsing jelly fish that lives in my iphone gps. For all of you who have an iphone, you know exactly what im talking about with the pulsing jelly fish, and the amazing lack of direction it really has. I mean that thing has only one purpose: to get you from A to B!!! ok sorry, little tangent there. Anyway, the bathroom experience was.......eventful :0), the line experience was even more eventful. We met some wonderful gentlemen who share in my love for cats. Yeah, I know, Of course, I would find a stranger that loves their cat as much I. And have a full conversation about them. Of course. Anyway, after some herding and marching, we finally made it to the concert venue. Let me just tell you that this concert was probably the best I have ever been to. I just have to say that it is so refreshing to see a group of true musicians on stage. People who have raw, unaltered talent. A talent that can never be compromised by a sparkly jump suit or big hair. The last song was probably in my top ten most moving experiences of my life. The lead singer, Alex Ebert, gets off the stage and continues to walk into the middle of the crowd. The whole crowd sat down cross-legged and tuned their hearts and their ears in unison. When the song finished, Alex walked back to the stage and as he did, he took the time to enjoy his fans. He and I locked eyes and then he squeezed my arm. Sigh.....I hate to sound like such a groupie here but OH MY FREAKING GOSH. yeah, I may or may not have cried after that. Overall, I felt so incredibly blessed to have to opportunity to see them live with some wonderful people. And, I will definitely be seeing them again live. Its definitely worth all the money in the world.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

the warmth you used to provided would cripple my senses. now the cold left behind cripples me period.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

five languages of love

I just finished reading the five love languages by gary chapman. I have to say that this book has been very insightful and very well written. But now that I have finished this book, I have found myself asking random people in my life about their love language. The response usually consists of confusion so I have decided to write the basic questions so we can all figure out our love languages. It is so important to know and understand not just your love language but those around you as well. Wouldn't this world rotate in perfect harmony? well, I think so, so here's the questions to find out your love language and then ill summarize the basics of each love language. And when you're reading the question you must pick one. Even though both may speak to you, think deeply about what would make you feel the most loved.
1. i like to receive notes of affirmation  A.
or I like to be hugged  E.
2. I like to spend one-to-one time with a person who is special to me.  B.
or I feel loved when someone gives practical help to me  D.
3. I like it when people give me gifts  C.
or I like leisurely visits with friends or loved ones.  B.
4. i feel loved when people do things to help me.  D.
or I feel loved when people touch me.  E
5. I feel loved when someone I love or admire puts his or her arm around me.  E
or I feel loved when I receive a gift from someone i love or admire.  C.
6. I like to go places with friends and loved ones.  B.
or I like to high-five or hold hands with people who are special to me. E.
7. Visible symbols of love (gifts) are very important to me.  C.
or I feel loved when people affirm me (give me compliments or speak highly of my achievements).  A.
8. I like to sit close to people whom I enjoy being around.  E.
or I like for people to tell me I am attractive/handsome.  A.
9. I like to spend time with friends or loved ones.  B.
or I like to receive little gifts from friends and loved ones.  C.
10. Words of acceptance are important to me  A.
or I know someone loves me when he or she helps me.  D.
11. I like being together and doing things with friends and loved ones.  B.
or I like it when kind words are spoken to me.  A.
12. What someone does affects me more than what he or she says.  D.
or hugs make me feel connected and valued.  E.
13. I value praise and try to avoid criticism.  A.
or several small gifts mean more to me than one large gift.  C.
14. I feel close to someone when we are talking or doing something together.  B.
or I feel closer to friends and loved ones when they touch me often.  E.
15. I like for people to compliment my achievements.  A.
I know people love me when they do things for me that they don't enjoy doing.  D.
16. I like to be touched as friends and loved ones walk by.  E.
or I like it when people listen to me and show genuine interest i what I am saying.  B.
17. I feel loved when friends and loved ones help me with jobs or projects.  D.
or i really enjoy receiving gifts from friends and loved ones.  C.
18. I like for people to compliment my appearances.  A.
or I feel loved when people take time to understand my feelings.  B.
19. I feel secure when a special person is touching me.  E.
or Acts of service make me feel loved.  D.
20. I appreciate the many thins that special people do for me.  D.
or I like receiving gifts that special people make for me.  C.
21. I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone gives me undivided attention.  B.
or I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone does some act of service for me.  D.
22. I feel loved when  person celebrates my birthday with a gift.  C.
or I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with meaningful words.  A.
23. I know a person is thinking of me when he or she gives me a gift.  C.
or I feel loved when a person helps me with my chores.  D.
24. I appreciate it when someone listens patiently and doesn't interrupt me.  B.
or I appreciate it when someone remembers special days with a gift.  C.
25. I like knowing loved ones are concerned enough to help with my daily tasks.  D.
or I enjoy extended trips with someone who is special to me.  B.
26. I enjoy kissing or being kissed by people with whom I am close.  E.
or receiving a gift given for no special reason excites me.  C.
27. I like to be told that I am appreciated.  A.
or I like for a person to look at me when we are talking.  B.
28. Gifts from a friend or loved one are always special to me.  C.
or I feel good when a friend or loved one touches me.  E.
29. I feel loved when a person enthusiastically does some task I have requested.  D.
or I feel loved when I am told how much I am appreciated.  A.
30. I need to be touched every day.  E.
or I need words of affirmation daily.  A.

ok so you want to write down how many A's, B's, C's, so on and so on.

chapman 222-224).
A's: words of affirmation.
B's: quality time.
C's: receiving gifts
D's: acts of service
E's: physical touch.

Words of affirmation
If you scored the highest in words of affirmation that means you thrive off of the recognition of others. You feel most loved when someone compliments or tells you how proud they are of you.
Quality time
If you scored the highest in quality time that means you enjoy deep emotional conversations that are free of distraction. You feel most loved when someone sets aside their time for you and makes a point to give you their undivided attention.
Receiving gifts
If you scored the highest in receiving gifts that means you feel the most loved when someone gives you gifts or you show your love to others by giving them a gift. Although this love language may appear vain, It is actually quite the opposite. You are the type of person who finds a small trinket at your local flea market and purchases it just to see the receivers happiness. And you, in turn, love to receive gifts because it shows you that that person was thinking about you.
Acts of Service.
If you scored the highest in Acts of service that means you feel most loved when your dad comes over and changes the oil in your car and mows the lawn. (side note: that's totally how my dad is) You show your love for others by baking them cookies when they're having a party of helping them clean their house when they are too busy to do it themselves.
Physical Touch
If you scored the highest in physical touch that means you feel most loved when you receive hugs, or warm squeezes on the shoulders. You thrive off the physical affections of those you love. And you feel empty when you haven't received physical touch.

There's obviously a lot more detail within each love language but I did my best to summarize them so we could all get the gist. I think learning about love languages is crucial to any relationship in our lives. We love others by our love languages but what we should really be doing is loving our friends, families, and significant others by their own specific love languages. This will allow the relationship to thrive and each person will feel fulfilled. I guess its kind of like a person who speaks perfect English having a conversation with someone who speaks Spanglish. They are communicating but not as efficiently as if they were both shared the same native language. Just something to think about. If you found this interesting, I strongly encourage you to purchase a copy for yourself and maybe your loved ones. I promise all of your relationships will grow immensely.
Oh, and if you're wondering about my love language, well I'm bilingual. I scored equally on quality time and physical touch so you ever feel like setting aside some time to have a nice long hug just give me a call :0)

the getty

Well i took my first steps yesterday onto the Getty. I'm just going to say that it was probably one of the best experiences of my life and I am so excited to do it again. First five minutes on the property, I was reprimanded by a security officers so.....I'd say it was a great start. haha I saw a statue on its side and me being me, I decided I wanted to emulate the posture of said statue. well I started to climb the very inconvenient stairs (that should have been my first sign) and deep in concentration, didn't notice the security officer yelling in my direction. "MA'AM!!!! MA"AM!!!!!!!" that's probably what it was, I usually like to ignore people that call me ma'am.....I like to think that 24 is too early in the stage of life to be referred to as ma'am. Maybe that's just me but in any case. I probably disappointed my Japanese ancestors by not getting the picture I truly desired. I mean, lets be honest here, Asian people are the best tourists around. BEST. In any case, the Getty is filled to the brim with artistic culture and people who wish to immerse themselves in the ambiance of it all. I took many pictures and had an incredible day with some very wonderful people. I strongly suggest a day trip to this beautiful place. It may just change your life. On a side note, i have decided to make a subsection titled : Sh!t Danny says. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Sh!t Danny says:
"good thing I wore my neutral gang colors today"

Conversation between Danny, Sairah and I:
me: I'm not sure whether I should be in support of zoos as a vegetarian or if I should be protesting instead.
sairah: they're rescue animals so I think its ok.
Danny: rescue like from gangs. They save penguins from the hard knock life of gang activity.

Just in case you're wondering, Danny is the wonderful boyfriend/life partner of my lovely deanne.